I have been so close to the top and lost it all.

A little under a year and a half ago I was fighting for the number one contender spot in a prominent and recognized MMA organization in Canada. Since then I have managed to lose a number of friends, fans, sponsors, managers, my health, and a meager living. Now... before you start feeling sorry for me, don't... I am not asking for your pity, praise, or aid. I am simply stating the facts. Do I regret it? Not really... Am I embarrassed to admit that for almost a year and a half I have been barely able to or completely unable to support myself? A little bit... again, this is just the way it is.

I keep telling myself that there is something to learn from all of this, that things will get better...  the truth is that things need to get better. There is still so much that I have yet to accomplish, there is still so much that I need to prove to myself before I can sleep at night.

And no matter how far down I sink or how far gone I appear to be, I will always believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel... but that sometimes its just a little too overcast to see it.

I must be patient.

I have always felt that my life would prove to be something significant, that I would attain success while pursuing what truly matters. I always thought that I would find the true meaning to life and stand blemished but unconquered... that I would brave the storm and rise from the ashes, that I would make myself and those around me proud. That I would become a champion in fighting and in life.

I have come to terms with the thought that these inklings may never be a reality. But I can not, and will not come to terms with the thought of giving up... I will pursue what I assume to be my purpose until the day I die.

It is easy to write about having a positive outlook... However, I know that in reality I have been nothing but a drain on nearly everyone around me. I created a monster that has been nothing but negative influence on those who have cared enough to associate themselves with me. For whatever reason I have made myself and everyone around me suffer through periods of my own selfishness, self-pity, self-loathing, and self-destruction.

I am no saint... I am not even a very good person.

But.. I am trying to put that person behind me. I am trying to make the changes I need to make in order to put everything back in perspective. I am going for it... I am going to make everything right again.

I aim to become a better person by challenging myself to act in a selfless and positive manner. By doing so I feel that I could finally give back to those who have given so much to me. Through positive thoughts and actions I hope to spark similar changes in those who have acted as I have in the past... changes that could possibly branch out and inspire others as well.

Like a good friend of mine once said, the greatest accomplishments in history were not built over night. These works were the direct result of many small actions that had accumulated over time.

I am actively trying to change myself one small action at a time.... and to be completely honest, the construction of this improved outlook will take some time.

I tweaked my back again last week... I have been off oxy's for over two weeks and am a little concerned that the mood-swings and overall personality changes that accompany this medication will interfere with my progress. I anticipated that I would fall, I knew that I would stumble, and told myself that I would bend... but as I drifted off into the opiate sunset last night, I promised myself that I would not break.

I met with an orthopedic surgeon in Kingston yesterday. Fortunately my cousin (who is a nurse in Quebec) was visiting and volunteered to come with me. Unfortunately, the MRI that I had done in Toronto was analyzed by a resident, not an MD. And although I was given a copy of the MRI findings, I was not given a disc with the actual MRI images on them. So, as prepared as I was to meet with the surgeon yesterday... the surgeon was less than prepared to meet with me. Basically I was told that the opinion of a resident means little to nothing in the medical field, and that the pain I endure on a daily basis does not correlate with what the 'MRI findings' had shown. I was also told that the pins and needles, numbness, and shooting pains in my legs and feet were not related to a pinched nerve or anything neurological at all. Simply put, "there is no medical explanation for it".

This doctor also informed me that I had only explored the "conservative" pain management methods such as chiropractic care, massage therapy, and constant visits to a sports medicine doctor. However, he told me that he could refer me to the 'guys at the pain management center' at his office but that it could take up to 12 months to receive a steroid injection in my back or a spinal block (both treatments are temporary).

Anyway... I have an appointment (including an updated MRI and CT scan) with a highly respected doctor and orthopedic surgeon Oct 2nd in Toronto. I am sure that this meeting will go much better than yesterdays.  

Until then....