Things are kind of at a standstill for me these days.

For the past couple of weeks I have been waiting on doctors, nurses, pharmacists, specialists, and secretaries to keep me informed, medicated, and up to date with my position in the over-crowded hospital and Canadian health care system. As difficult as it is to be in the pain I am in and feel as insignificant as I do, none of these people are to blame for the long wait times and overall lack of information regarding my 'file'... at least that is what I keep telling myself.

I was just told that I will have to wait 6-8 months to meet a surgeon, and that I could possibly wait up to 12 months for surgery after this consultation. This is ridiculously frustrating for me. I cannot afford to take that much time off training, or my life in general.

I am currently pursuing other spine specialists and surgeons in Ontario in hope of being assessed and operated on as soon as possible if necessary.

It is incredibly challenging for me to not be in control of my life, to not be able to work or train as I once did, and to not be able to take care of or support myself as I am accustomed to doing. The scariest part of this whole thing is knowing that my future lies in the hands of another human being... the thought alone terrifies me.  

Although I have already experienced a number of situations in which I have been completely dependent on other people in my life, I was always under the impression that this dependency was necessary for me to gather the strength and knowledge that would be required of me if I were to continue along this path on my own. However, I was always aware of and took solace in the fact that at any point in time, I had the stubbornness and determination to leave these people and survive on my own.

Things are a little different this time around...

The only people I have ever felt remotely comfortable taking from have been my brothers, parents, and closest friends... even then I have a hard time swallowing the fact that I have burdened them to the slightest degree, if only for a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days. This is something I will have to come to terms with if surgery is the only option for a complete recovery.

I am going to go stay with my brother and girlfriend in Belleville, Ontario while I wait to hear back from a surgeon. Hopefully this change in scenery will allow me to rest, relax, and gather the courage and patience needed to tackle the battle that awaits me.

No matter what may come of all this, I will never give up, never stop fighting, never look back, and never stop writing...

I will be back.

Take this love
Take this life
Take this blood
Itll never die
Take this love
Take this life
Take this blood
Itll never die
This aint the last goodbye

I would like to thank the amazing coaches, training partners, and friends I have made during my stay here in Toronto... if it were not for you guys I would not have lasted nearly as long as I have here. Once I recover there is no doubt in my mind that I will be back to push myself along your side.

Stay stong.