"We will stand shoulder to shoulder, an unconquerable army. BELIEVE in what you can do, and it will happen." E.T.

I have spent countless hours debating what I will do after my career as a professional mixed martial artist is over.

And even though I genuinely believe that I have ability to become a world champion in this sport... I am also aware of the fact that my latest accomplishments in MMA may have been my last... that perhaps my career is over and I just haven't realized it yet.

I am incredibly stubborn.

Throughout my career I dreamed that my accomplishments in MMA would one day grant me the reputation needed to open a successful gym. The thought of being able to help motivate and push the great champions of tomorrow is extremely appealing. However, I doubt that this dream will be a very lucrative pursuit if my days of competition are already behind me.

I have also thought about putting a book together and traveling the world... there are many different things that I have contemplated doing in the very near and distant future.

However, there is something else that drives me... something that I have not been able to put into words. Something that I feel I was meant to do but never recognized it... for one reason or another I have never been equipped with the courage nor the ability to recognize it in the past.

I believe that some of the most valuable positions in the world have been completely overlooked or forgotten. By blinding ourselves with dreams of amassing great fortunes we have spawned an internal lack of personal responsibility and insight. Even worse yet... many of those who possess the unique ability to see these duties have outright ignored them.

I too am guilty of this offense.

Too many men in the past have neglected to embrace this power... the power that lies within every single one of us. The power to admit wrong-doing and accept responsibility, the power to make amends, the power to invoke change... the power to create a better world.

Too many men turned their heads, closed their eyes, and walked right past their responsibilities with aspirations of material gain. Each man selfishly assumed that someone else would accomplish his task and all would be forgotten. However, one man after another proceeded to pass his weight on to the next man and a never-ending cycle of neglect and avoidance was created. This cycle only added to the next mans responsibility, creating a weight that no man could possibly carry on his own... a weight I feel will one day come to rest on all of our shoulders.

Now I know that I lack the strength to resolve this issue on my own, but I no longer fear the criticism that awaits me, I no longer fear the criticism that awaits those who dream of change. I no longer fear being looked at as a mad-man, I no longer fear being looked at as a dreamer, a fool, or a lost cause. I no longer fear the contempt that is thrown at those who wish for a better tomorrow, I no longer fear the path that awaits me.

I no longer fear the power of one.

Only as one can we rebuild the decay that has been fostered within ourselves. Only as one can we cauterize the wounds that we have inflicted on ourselves. Only as one can we rid our hearts of the disease that we infected ourselves with so long ago.

Only then can we stand as the unshakeable, unconquerable army of ONE.

I have been so close to the top and lost it all.

A little under a year and a half ago I was fighting for the number one contender spot in a prominent and recognized MMA organization in Canada. Since then I have managed to lose a number of friends, fans, sponsors, managers, my health, and a meager living. Now... before you start feeling sorry for me, don't... I am not asking for your pity, praise, or aid. I am simply stating the facts. Do I regret it? Not really... Am I embarrassed to admit that for almost a year and a half I have been barely able to or completely unable to support myself? A little bit... again, this is just the way it is.

I keep telling myself that there is something to learn from all of this, that things will get better...  the truth is that things need to get better. There is still so much that I have yet to accomplish, there is still so much that I need to prove to myself before I can sleep at night.

And no matter how far down I sink or how far gone I appear to be, I will always believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel... but that sometimes its just a little too overcast to see it.

I must be patient.

I have always felt that my life would prove to be something significant, that I would attain success while pursuing what truly matters. I always thought that I would find the true meaning to life and stand blemished but unconquered... that I would brave the storm and rise from the ashes, that I would make myself and those around me proud. That I would become a champion in fighting and in life.

I have come to terms with the thought that these inklings may never be a reality. But I can not, and will not come to terms with the thought of giving up... I will pursue what I assume to be my purpose until the day I die.

It is easy to write about having a positive outlook... However, I know that in reality I have been nothing but a drain on nearly everyone around me. I created a monster that has been nothing but negative influence on those who have cared enough to associate themselves with me. For whatever reason I have made myself and everyone around me suffer through periods of my own selfishness, self-pity, self-loathing, and self-destruction.

I am no saint... I am not even a very good person.

But.. I am trying to put that person behind me. I am trying to make the changes I need to make in order to put everything back in perspective. I am going for it... I am going to make everything right again.

I aim to become a better person by challenging myself to act in a selfless and positive manner. By doing so I feel that I could finally give back to those who have given so much to me. Through positive thoughts and actions I hope to spark similar changes in those who have acted as I have in the past... changes that could possibly branch out and inspire others as well.

Like a good friend of mine once said, the greatest accomplishments in history were not built over night. These works were the direct result of many small actions that had accumulated over time.

I am actively trying to change myself one small action at a time.... and to be completely honest, the construction of this improved outlook will take some time.

I tweaked my back again last week... I have been off oxy's for over two weeks and am a little concerned that the mood-swings and overall personality changes that accompany this medication will interfere with my progress. I anticipated that I would fall, I knew that I would stumble, and told myself that I would bend... but as I drifted off into the opiate sunset last night, I promised myself that I would not break.

I met with an orthopedic surgeon in Kingston yesterday. Fortunately my cousin (who is a nurse in Quebec) was visiting and volunteered to come with me. Unfortunately, the MRI that I had done in Toronto was analyzed by a resident, not an MD. And although I was given a copy of the MRI findings, I was not given a disc with the actual MRI images on them. So, as prepared as I was to meet with the surgeon yesterday... the surgeon was less than prepared to meet with me. Basically I was told that the opinion of a resident means little to nothing in the medical field, and that the pain I endure on a daily basis does not correlate with what the 'MRI findings' had shown. I was also told that the pins and needles, numbness, and shooting pains in my legs and feet were not related to a pinched nerve or anything neurological at all. Simply put, "there is no medical explanation for it".

This doctor also informed me that I had only explored the "conservative" pain management methods such as chiropractic care, massage therapy, and constant visits to a sports medicine doctor. However, he told me that he could refer me to the 'guys at the pain management center' at his office but that it could take up to 12 months to receive a steroid injection in my back or a spinal block (both treatments are temporary).

Anyway... I have an appointment (including an updated MRI and CT scan) with a highly respected doctor and orthopedic surgeon Oct 2nd in Toronto. I am sure that this meeting will go much better than yesterdays.  

Until then....

One year ago I lost the greatest friend I have ever known, a man who was not only  my training partner, coach, and friend... but a man who welcomed me into his home and let me travel at his side like a brother. A man who's friendship inspired me to be an honest, thoughtful, and adventure seeking individual. A man who showed me that true wisdom lies beyond those who have been encumbered by the expectations of a sick society. A man who forced me to look past the accumulation of wealth without effort, truth without debate, and education without experience. A man who made me believe that anything was possible, a man who made me believe that I was capable of becoming a champion in fighting and in life, a man who made me believe in the power of one.

Throughout our friendship I was consistently reminded of the power that one person can have at the tip of their tongue. However, the sheer magnitude of this realization only materialized after Evan's passing. At least once a week I am told of an incident or positive experience in someone's life that was inspired by Evan's words, actions, or blogs... a reality that has reinforced Evan's belief in our ability to not only inspire change within ourselves, but to invoke positive changes in those around us as well.

The power to create a better and brighter world lies within us all...

Although it will always be difficult for me to keep a dry eye while looking at the emails, pictures, and videos that Evan and I had exchanged throughout our friendship, it is equally challenging for me to keep the smile off my face as I remember the hardcore training sessions, adventures, movies, and the well deserved cheat days we had experienced together. I have also been fortunate enough to have found comfort and belonging with those who have been brought into my life through this tragedy as well.

The way that Evan lived his life and the inspiration that stemmed from his never-ending search for wisdom and adventure will forever accompany my thirst for the same things. His words will stay with with me until the day I die.

Evan really pushed me to learn how to ride a motorcycle and encouraged me to hit the road with no plans, no schedule, and no set destination.... just me, my bike, and the road. Unfortunately the License Bureau of Ontario is on strike, so... in true Evan fashion I just jumped on the bike and hit the road with no license, no insurance, and no worries... just freedom.

After experiencing a little bit luck at the casino last night Brad and I decided to stop by the Quinte conservation area just outside of Belleville this morning... we quickly became bored of the designated trails and veered off into a deeply forested area.  After a few minutes of roughing it I found a place I imagined my friend would enjoy and stopped to take it all in.

I'l post a few pictures of my day later on.

Believe.

The extent people will go to to dispose of their trash never ceases to amaze me.

The view from the edge.

Stand by me.

Wisdom Tree.

Maybe a little too far off the trail...

Evan introduced me to hot caffeine, more specifically... he introduced me to White Chocolate Mochas from Starbucks. We had one every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning while I was in Vegas. I'll never forget thinking that my heart was going to explode after downing the entire cup in two minutes before a work-out and being too embarassed to tell Evan that I thought our light jog was going to be the end of me haha. I miss you brother.

Team Tanner forever.

BELIEVE.