I believe that when done honestly, writing has the potential to be one of the most sincere forms of self evaluation known to those who dare to explore it. Many of the harshest realities I have ever had to face were confronted while writing, and I have only begun to scratch the surface. Although I appreciate the fact that my words have generated such a strong response in those who care to read them. It is not advice, encouragement, nor praise I seek. This is merely my life.

I find it extremely difficult to transfer rough thoughts and feelings into definite statements. Proper formating, sentence structure, and wording are things I continually struggle with. By no means do I consider myself to be a creative person. These entries are entirely reactive in nature, each word being the direct consequence of personal experience.

The words that seek to destroy me, have only made me stronger.

The price of being a sheep is boredom.The price of being a wolf is loneliness. Choose one or the other with great care.

The path I walk is paved one step at a time. There is no master plan, no alloted time frame, and no set destination. I doubt there will ever be. My primary goal is to experience every moment in all its glory, and to use this positive or negative energy to keep moving forward. It will not always be easy, of course there will be moments of confusion, self doubt, and restlessness. I have been there before. I will be there again. I have the tools to deal with whatever may come my way.

I refuse to shy away from any obstacle in fear of failure, loss, or disappointment. Words which only hold true if they are not learned from.

I have experienced failure in every aspect of my life. I have made terrible decisions, done terrible things, lost great friends, lost loves, left school, and lost fights. Having said that, these situations were necessary for me to grow, and have gotten me to the point I am at today. More importantly, I have not let my spirit be broken. I will love again, I will continue to learn and grow as a person, and I will fight. This is who I am.

As a young boy I would camouflage myself to be similar those who were around me. When I returned home after socializing my parents could tell who I had been with based on my behaviour. I quickly learned that this lifestyle was not for me, I am not a follower.

Despite those who doubt me, those who have lost faith, and those who no longer believe, I will continue to carve out my unique existence in this world. Nobody can show me the way, no one knows it. I will leave no stone unturned along this journey, nothing will be left to chance. I will not wait for destiny to find me, I will hunt it down and make it my own.

The past few days have been interesting.

On our way to Kingston we noticed a dog in the middle of the highway. We stopped to pick him up but were beat to the chase. I was surprised and genuinely impressed at how many cars had pulled to the shoulder to save this animal.

I am writing this from the passenger seat of a lifeless mini van stranded on the shoulder of the 401 highway. The tow-truck (which was estimated to take 15-20 minutes to reach us), is a little over two and a half hours behind schedule. Alan is sleeping. Sometimes things just don't go your way.

Van on the shoulder of the highway, I had to push it a little further away from traffic.

It costs an average of $3 a kilometer to tow a vehicle to its destination. We are an hour and a half from the shop the van needs to be serviced at, I can only imagine how many kilometers that is. It is times like these I am happy I have always been terrible with numbers.

I was supposed to meet up with an old friend of mine in Oshawa this morning. Her friend is an employee at the local zoo and she had planned for us to meet baby tigers, something I was really looking forward to doing. Hopefully this opportunity will be present in the near future.

I want to meet you little buddy.

After a minute or two of silence our driver introduced himself and told us some interesting 'work-related' stories. I could only imagine the different types of people and situations he would encounter on a daily basis. He was easy to get along with and took an extra ten kilometers off our bill, I forget his name, but thank you for that.

Alan and I decided to have the van towed to our brothers place in Belleville in an attempt to cut some costs. Hopefully we can find a local mechanic to help us and be on our way sometime tomorrow.

Mr.Tow, Al, and I unloading the Van at Bubs place.

Tuesday night after training my manager informed me that my 135lbs debut scheduled for September 13th in my hometown of Montreal was to be post-poned due to circumstances beyond our control. This was disappointing to say the least. I was looking forward to being able to fight in front of and celebrate with my childhood friends and family.

It is hard to describe the intensity one trains with when preparing for a fight. Having only taken a few days off after my last bout I had kept most of my conditioning and was feeling healthy and motivated to avenge my loss. My mind, body and spirit were focused on the 13th. To have that taken away from me was pretty discouraging. However, I am keeping active and training hard. There is always the opportunity of being a last minute replacement in a number of different organizations with upcoming shows. This idea has kept me focused. It is hard not keep a positive outlook when the worst case scenario is that I have to train a few extra weeks and improve on my technique and conditioning before my next fight. Sounds reasonable to me.

Since the van wont be inspected until tomorrow afternoon I picked up a shift at my old job trucking in Belleville. I will probably work a couple days next week as well just to be keep things steady until we find out what is next for me in the fight world. I look forward to putting in long hours at work and then rushing back to Kingston to train at one of the local gyms in town like I used to. It is times like these that define you as a person, this is not a step in the wrong direction. This journey has done nothing but make me more hungry.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, I work 7am-7pm tomorrow and then have to drive back to Toronto to make sure I will be able to make wrestling practice tomorrow morning. As difficult as it may be, I'll have to make it an early night tonight. I have gotten used to staying up late and talking with my friend, an intelligent, yoga/ jiu-jitsu enthusiast, spiritual guru, and self proclaimed 'dork'.

UPDATED 7:52 pm 8/18/2008

Alan and I are tackling a vicious storm on our way back to Toronto. Normally, I would be sitting on our balcony soaking in the beauty and power of the storm. However, sitting in the passenger seat watching the flickering four-ways of the cars in front of us is a little less peaceful.

This picture does absolutely no justice to how bad the conditions were.

Work was great today, it was good to catch up with a lot of my friends I haven't been able to stay in contact with while training. I am meeting with my manager sometime this week to plan out the next month or so. I cant wait to get back on the grind.

When I was younger I would spend hours locked in my room listening to music and writing poetry. As enjoyable and therapeutic as this was to me at the time, poetry was something I was always very self conscious and embarrassed about. I kept my poems hidden in an old shoe box under my bed and never showed them to anyone.

I stopped writing poetry my senior year in high school, something about the whole process began to seem forced. It may have lost its genuiness, but it had served its purpose. I learned that writing was something I deeply enjoyed, no matter what the format may have been. Some of the least stressful moments of my scholastic career were spent writing essays and working on papers.

When I was debating whether or not I wanted to put my journal entries online, I battled with many of the same negative emotions I had when I thought of showing someone my poetry. What will people think? Why would anyone be interested in my story?

It wasn't until I spoke with Evan that I acknowledged the potential positivity an online journal could bring. What good were words if they were never seen? How much change is possible if problems are only confronted behind closed doors?

I decided that this was an opportunity for me to confront my deepest emotions and discover who I truly was. Putting everything in the open was a way of solidifying my path and keeping dedicated while connecting with people on a deeper, more significant level.

The internet is a place where it is easy to be someone else. A lot of people portray their 'representative' online. I am no longer ashamed nor embarrassed about my writing, these blogs are who I am. This is the real me.

Even when I am over trained, injured, not performing to my full potential, or completely alienated from those closest to me, I have a hard time staying out of the gym. I was back at the club training Tuesday night after enduring a two and a half round war the previous Saturday. I couldn't imagine taking time off to relax, especially after a loss. There was too much work to be done, and I am a stubborn man.

The intensity was a little less than what I had endured during my training camp, and I was excited to start filling in the holes in my game. My leg was still causing me a little discomfort but I decided that I could train through it and neglected to mention anything to my trainers. Alin noticed a growth the size of a golfball beside my knee and sent me home. I was told not to come back for a week.

I could no longer ignore the fact that my leg had not gotten any better and booked an appointment with a sports medicine doctor in Kingston. This gave me a chance to rest, visit with my family, and catch up with number of friends I had lost contact with throughout the years.

Al and I arrived in Kingston early Thursday morning. I couldn't picture my leg getting any worse and dropped by Gladiator MMA that night to train (a local gym with a lot of talent and no egos), I recommend it to anyone in the Kingston area.

Doctor examining my leg.

I had an ultra sound booked for the following morning. After being examined by a number of knee experts it was determined that I had done no serious damage to any muscle, connective tissue, or ligaments in my knee (most of the damage in my leg was due to the fact that a large hematoma had burst and drained down my leg). I was told to take a few days off and that I could be back in the gym training full boar the following week.

Al and I traveled to Belleville, a small city just outside of Kingston to visit our brother Brad (BUBS). Bubs bought a house a few months ago and needed help with some renovations. We spent the weekend helping him put new floors in his place and playing X-BOX. Brad has always been there for me, I am pretty sure he has helped me in every way imaginable, he has employed me, lent me money, given me advice, and generally been a shoulder to lean on throughout my life. He also has the last words before I enter the ring, he truly is his "brothers keeper", words tattooed on all of our backs.

Al and Brad getting down to business.

Almost finished.

For the first time in months my mind was completely off training, I was overcome with an undeniable calm. I spent the rest of the weekend elevating my knee, eating junk food, enjoying the company of my family, friends, and local Kingston bars. It was a much needed break.

Brad also destroyed me in 21. I cant compete with that form.

The drive home really put things in perspective. With the long weekend coming to an end and the highway being backed up with traffic for as far as the eye could see, Al and I decided to make an adventure of this situation. We made an effort to explore back roads and rest stops we would normally pass without thinking twice, something I have not done in a long time.

Traffic.

Throughout my life I have never worn a watch, I feel that watches are distracting devices that are responsible for a lot of unnecessary stress. I enjoy getting lost in genuine moments and experiences without time restraints or deadlines. I strongly believe that this was part of the reason I had such a hard time in University. I like to do things on my own time. I am not cut out for the "real world", nor do I feel the need to be.

We stopped at the big apple. They forgot to mention JYD crossing.

My 140lbs frame supporting the Big Apple.

We took a detour along the water and stopped to do some exploring by the waters edge. The scenery was beautiful, it was as if this area had not been visited by anyone else before us. Then it caught my eye, a pale, rusted, algae covered lawn chair that someone had left behind. I was just about to voice my complaint to Al when something else caught my eye, three "smiley" faces made from stones on a remote section of the beach.

The culprit.

The cure.

I respect whoever created that strange balance between nature and humanity, a way of saying "we were here" without defacing or ruining a natural beauty. I never thought "smiley" faces could be so captivating. Amazing.

The break was much needed and I feel completelty re-energized and ready to get back to the grind. I am fighting September 13th in XMMA, and organization based out of Montreal, my hometown. I look forward to fighting in a bigger venue in front of my childhood friends and family.

There have been a lot of questions and comments regarding my 'entrance' music. It is Con Te Partiro by Andrea Bocelli, a moving song with a lot of meaning and importance to me. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXW30OwNzrM

Until next time.