Things are kind of at a standstill for me these days.

For the past couple of weeks I have been waiting on doctors, nurses, pharmacists, specialists, and secretaries to keep me informed, medicated, and up to date with my position in the over-crowded hospital and Canadian health care system. As difficult as it is to be in the pain I am in and feel as insignificant as I do, none of these people are to blame for the long wait times and overall lack of information regarding my 'file'... at least that is what I keep telling myself.

I was just told that I will have to wait 6-8 months to meet a surgeon, and that I could possibly wait up to 12 months for surgery after this consultation. This is ridiculously frustrating for me. I cannot afford to take that much time off training, or my life in general.

I am currently pursuing other spine specialists and surgeons in Ontario in hope of being assessed and operated on as soon as possible if necessary.

It is incredibly challenging for me to not be in control of my life, to not be able to work or train as I once did, and to not be able to take care of or support myself as I am accustomed to doing. The scariest part of this whole thing is knowing that my future lies in the hands of another human being... the thought alone terrifies me.  

Although I have already experienced a number of situations in which I have been completely dependent on other people in my life, I was always under the impression that this dependency was necessary for me to gather the strength and knowledge that would be required of me if I were to continue along this path on my own. However, I was always aware of and took solace in the fact that at any point in time, I had the stubbornness and determination to leave these people and survive on my own.

Things are a little different this time around...

The only people I have ever felt remotely comfortable taking from have been my brothers, parents, and closest friends... even then I have a hard time swallowing the fact that I have burdened them to the slightest degree, if only for a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days. This is something I will have to come to terms with if surgery is the only option for a complete recovery.

I am going to go stay with my brother and girlfriend in Belleville, Ontario while I wait to hear back from a surgeon. Hopefully this change in scenery will allow me to rest, relax, and gather the courage and patience needed to tackle the battle that awaits me.

No matter what may come of all this, I will never give up, never stop fighting, never look back, and never stop writing...

I will be back.

Take this love
Take this life
Take this blood
Itll never die
Take this love
Take this life
Take this blood
Itll never die
This aint the last goodbye

I would like to thank the amazing coaches, training partners, and friends I have made during my stay here in Toronto... if it were not for you guys I would not have lasted nearly as long as I have here. Once I recover there is no doubt in my mind that I will be back to push myself along your side.

Stay stong.

The other night I woke up with feeling that I was about to die.

I was not aware of who or where I was and felt as though I was drifting in and out of a heightened sense of awareness and complete unconsciousness at the same time.

I eventually 'came to' when I was overcome by the repetitive vibrations that resonated throughout my ribcage and the heavy echoes of my beating heart, which palpitated as though it were ticking like the second hand of a clock telling me that there was not much time left.

I couldn't steady my eyes or find the breathe to ask for help...  nor did I feel the need to.

I eventually drifted back to sleep, unsure of if what had just happened was a dream or not.

I am still not sure what to make of it all.

Anyway, I guess by now it is no secret that the past year has taken its toll on me. I lost my last outting against a very game Remi Morvan in July of 08. I lost my coach, training partner, mentor, and over all inspiration Evan Tanner last September, and am now at the point where it looks as though I may lose my job and one of my few, if not only remaining passions.

For the past 3 years I have basically lived from one visit to the chiropractor, massage therapist, and sports medicine doctor to the next. All of these people were under the impression that the pain and tightness in my hips had stemmed from long hours at work (truck driving) and mixed martial arts training.

Understandable...

Anyway, after a few unsuccessful and uninformative visits to the emergency room and multiple prescriptions for heavy pain killers I decided to visit another ER.

Last night I was fortunate enough to be X-RAY'ed and get an MRI done on my back...

MRI Findings =
L3/4 Annular tear and broad-based disc herniation.
L4/5 Broad-based disc protrusion with mild narrow of the left L4 neural foramen.
L5/S1 Disc disease is worse at this level. There is a borad based disc protrusion with a more focal component in the left paracentral region. The L5 neural foramina are significantly narrowed bilaterally. The disc is touching the left S1 nerve.

The wait for a consultation and the surgery I require can be anywhere up to one year or longer... I completely believe that I will be back better than ever, and am looking forward to finally being able to train and compete while healthy.

However, if for one reason or another I am unable to compete in the future...I will be ever grateful that I got to say goodbye to MMA the way that I did. I may have lost my last fight... but I got to walk to the ring alongside my friends and family while listening to "Con Te Partiro", which will forever be one of the most significant moments in my life. Even more so now.

Thank you all for being a part of the community that has allowed me to live out one of my dreams. Although I am unsure of what the future holds for me at this moment in time, I am trying to keep an open and optimistic mind... this is just another roadblock in the ongoing adventure that is my life I guess.

Time to say goodbye.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso si li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
it's time to say goodbye.