Although I am incredibly grateful to have been given the 'green light' by one of Canada's premier spinal surgeons, the bureaucracy of the Canadian Health Care system and the 'wait-time' that accompanies my current predicament has made this detour of mine often appear to be endless... aside from the obvious physical limitations associated with my condition, watching myself deteriorate month after month has been incredibly draining on an emotional and mental front for me as well.

It is extremely difficult to maintain a healthy state of mind when the only escape from the pain is responsible for the distance that now exists between myself and the people I love. I am also incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that these are the same people who have had to witness a lot of the less than healthy and completely inappropriate behaviors that they have, but... I never intended to hurt anyone, I only intended to stop myself from hurting... and I am sorry.

I now know that the balance between medicating pain and creating it can be crossed so easily... and I am working on it.

Having said that, I am currently exploring alternative avenues of treatment and looking forward to forging my way back towards the man that I am capable of becoming. After an initial consultation at the Canadian Decompression and Pain Center in Kingston, Ontario. I felt that this was an approach I could not look past. I have only had two treatments but I am trying to stay optimistic and focused on the gains that can be made by completing this form of treatment. I will keep you posted in regards to my progress.

Here are a few pictures from my second visit to the CDPC in Kingston.

Chillin before the illin

Strapped-in.

The Rack.

January 5th I will be traveling to and staying in Los Angeles for a few days to be interviewed for a documentary about Evan (Once I was a Champion). As difficult as this will be, I am excited to be part of something so great. Please visit and support www.onceiwasachampion.com

The other night Brittany and I had the pleasure of sitting in her hot-tub with no witnesses other than the pale quarter- moon whose glowing eyes light up the star speckled winter sky.

And as the steam danced off of our bodies and our eyes got lost amongst the constellations our words flowed as gently as the cool country breeze along the icy back-roads.

We spoke about our lives and remembered all times that our paths had crossed in the past but never lead in the same direction. We spoke about how the universe speaks to those who care to listen and the reasons why she made the trip to visit me in Toronto a little over one year ago. We spoke about our ups and downs, our mistakes, and how our relationship has affected our lives outside of 'us'.

We spoke about the vastness of our world and the mysteries that lie within the solar system. We discussed the many different types of places that we wanted to visit and  touched upon a number of places that neither of us had any desire in seeing.
 
And although I truly believe that the universe has a way of putting certain situations and people in our lives... I also believe that every now and then we need to ask the universe why some of these things have happened and what will happen if we continue to live the way that we have been.  

Now... I am completely aware of how silly this may sound but I will not deny that things of this nature tend to interest me from time to time. So... yesterday I participated in a Tarot Card reading and was pretty surprised with how close to home some of the cards hit.

It is no secret that 2009 took a big piece of me, but... without a doubt, it has also made me a better person. I am thankful to have experienced the things that I have and to have come in contact with the people I did. I can only hope to have learned from my mistakes and to make 2010 a better year than those of the past.

Thank you for walking beside and standing behind me through it all.

love.

What Covers You: Five of Pentacles

Briefly: You may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a woman who is wearing a scarf covering her head and shoulders.  She is comforting a young man who has a bloodied bandage around his head.  His left hand is also injured and bandaged.  He carries a long stick in his left hand to assist him walking.  The woman looks concerned for the young man and wishes to protect him from life’s harsh experiences.  In the background is a large disc containing five pentacles.  If you draw this card you may be called upon to help someone in need and this may be financial help.  You would be wise to question the motives of this person, just in case they are leaning on you too heavily, whereas they should be standing on their own two feet.

What Crosses You: Page of Pentacles

Briefly: You may be on the receiving end of some really good news within about one month.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a good looking man of about 22 who is clean shaven and rugged up ready for winter or a long journey.  He wears a beret with a feather in it, and a coat with stripes on the sleeves, which could represent a military uniform or other suit related to his field of work.  He looks strong and courageous.  He is headed in a certain direction and carrying a large Pentacle.  He is obviously on a mission to bring some good news to someone.  In the background are mountains and a river with tall trees dotting the landscape.  This could represent a place you will visit in the near future, or where you will live. If you draw this card, you may be on the receiving end of some really good news within about one month.  If the card represents someone you already know, rest assured success lies ahead for them. If the card is yourself, you know where you are going and how to get there. You will gain recognition for your endeavours and the esteem of your contemporaries.

What Crowns You: Knight of Wands

Briefly: An indication of the arrival of someone important coming into your life.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card is of a man on a horse swiftly charging through the day with fearless abandon. He has a mission and knows exactly where he is going. Sometimes this card can indicate the arrival of someone important coming into your life, or it can signal the hasty departure of someone from your life. If you are expecting someone to arrive, they will do so very quickly. If you sense that someone wants out, they will leave just as quickly. This can also signal some type of emergency, though not necessarily too serious of an event that has speeded up. Perhaps someone is admitted to hospital and you have to get there quickly. There is unlikely to be any serious problems stem from this event, just that the matter had to be dealt with as soon as possible, without any delays, such as an appendix attack, for example. If you are single, it can mean your next lover is just around the corner and you will find this person to be very warm and responsible. He or she may be born under an Earth sign, such as Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn.

What Is Beneath You: The Hanged Man

Briefly: There is some type of time lapse going on around you. Things have not quite reached fruition and you have to take a wait and see attitude.

Full Meaning: When you draw this card you are being advised that there is some type of time lapse going on around you. Things have not quite reached fruition and you have to take a wait and see attitude. There may be some delay to your plans and it is best to be patient and bide your time. Someone may seem unbalanced around you and creating a difficult though not unsolvable problem. Trust your judgement and make allowances for this for the time being. Time is the great healer of most dilemmas so be the keeper of your own counsel and it will serve you well. Someone may also be having difficulty with their leg and unable to walk or get around as they usually do. They may need a walking stick or crutches, just temporarily. Give a wide berth to anyone who is not in the best of health either physically, mentally or emotionally. If you have to make an important decision around now, take your time to weigh all the facts and be sure that it is the best choice possible.

 
What Is Behind You: Justice

Briefly: The time has come to reflect on the choices you have made along the way. This card shows that wrongs will be put right.

Full Meaning: Whatever your past has brought to you, the time has come to reflect on the choices you have made along the way. Perhaps there were things you would rather not have done, and your are planning now to make amends for anything you would like to clear up once and for all. If there have been some people who have crossed you and brought you distress, you are now wise and mature enough to deal with it in an intelligent and abstract way. Your thoughts are on making things better and improving your relationships. If you have to go to a court of law around this time, the final decision will be one that is fair to you. This card shows that wrongs will be put right. You can assist this process by addressing those issues that had caused friction and pain in your life and make some headway towards a more harmonious relationship with those closest to you.

What Is Before You: Two of Cups

Briefly: Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you, the birth of a child or new found love.

Full Meaning: The picture on this card shows a man and a woman looking at each other and each one has a cup in the left hand and they are making a toast. There are some heavy black clouds in the background and these may indicate a period of time, such as further in the distance, or in the past. Perhaps a new love is going to appear and involve some long-range commitment for you. The number two can represent time as in days, weeks or months and this may indicate when the encounter will take place. The woman may also become pregnant early on in the relationship, or if a married couple have been trying and this has been delayed or hindered in some way, now it may eventuate. Also there can be a celebration of some kind and this of course could indicate the celebration of the birth of a child. If you are single and looking for romance, then it may be on its way and you could find this person proves to be your soulmate.

Your Self: The Devil

Briefly: This could be the little devil who is prankish or disruptive in the classroom or with other playmates. However it can also be a strong and forceful element in a grown up that unleashes its tremendous energies at whoever stands in the way of his/her desires. Someone can be incredibly possessive and dominating around you if you pull this card out in your reading.

Full Meaning: This could be the little devil who is prankish or disruptive in the classroom or with other playmates. However it can also be a strong and forceful element in a grown up that unleashes its tremendous energies at whoever stands in the way of his/her desires. This is considered a Trump card, and therefore contains many powers to be utilised as the needs or desires arise. Someone can be incredibly possessive and dominating around you if you pull this card out in your reading. Often they have a love/hate relationship with someone and it could be getting out of control. Someone is madly in love with or wants to control the actions of another and this should not be allowed to continue as it represents one persons victory at the cost of another's defeat, and to great distress for the one defeated. If you are trying to succeed in business it is likely that you will with this card as there is no stopping the determination and the will to succeed. Someone may be power hungry around you and their ambitions are stirred to such an extent that failure is inconceivable to them. Do not anger or irritate those who show the slightest signs of violence or hostilities, for to unleash the devil has no boundaries or limitations to the trail of devastation it can leave in its wake.

Around You: Eight of Cups

Briefly: There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made.

Full Meaning: This card shows a person with a hooded cloak walking with a staff near an inlet that is surrounded by tall cliffs. You cannot see the person's face as they have their back to you. In the background is a crescent Moon. It appears to be either early morning or early evening. There are eight cups in the foreground. This is symbolic of being in a reflective state of mind. There are things and situations to ponder over and a time of solitude is required before a decision has to be made. If you draw this card you either live in a setting like this or it is not far from your home. Or perhaps you are considering moving to a seaside resort area at some point in the not too distant future. This can be a time when you choose a different course of action that puts you where you are destined to be. It is also time to consider bringing in some newness into your life and leaving the past where it belongs, in the past.

Hopes and Fears: The Fool

Briefly: Journey of unique and unknown destination. Innocent of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes. He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for life and for love.

Full Meaning: This card shows a picture of a young man walking towards a cliff edge, with a long rod leaning over his shoulder.  On the end of the rod there appears to be a handkerchief holding all of his worldly possessions.  Following beside him is a small white dog.  He is almost oblivious to what pitfalls may lay before him.  He is on a, a journey of discovery. He is almost like a tourist, as he looks right, left, above and below to anything that catches his eye.  He is curious and adventurous.  He wants to know everything and is keen to look, learn and discover whatever life is going to teach him.  He is innocent of life and will probably make many mistakes along the way.  He is a student of life and will have to learn by his own mistakes.  He is a wanderer, with great enthusiasm for life and for love. He is young and open-minded, with a desire to have many new and varied experiences so that he can get a taste for life and decide what it is that he really wants.  He does not yet know what the world will bring, nor what his unique destiny is, but he will soon find out.

Outcome: Ten of Wands

Briefly: Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation.

Full Meaning: This card shows a man struggling with a heavy load. This may reflect some aspect of your life where you feel a little overwhelmed and unable to continue without a strong will and a determination not to fail. Your motives are of high standing and you only want what is best for everyone concerned. You will soon gain the feather in your cap and be able to move freely through life as if the coast is finally clear. Your objectives now need to be focussed on the long term solution to current problems, rather than just a band aid on the situation. Give yourself every effort to succeed and you surely will.

Have a great holiday season everyone!

Life is too short yet often feels as though it is the longest curse known to those who decide to live it.
Love is the most precious gift one can give yet often becomes the heaviest burden on those who decide to feel it.  
Our hearts are strong enough to keep us alive yet often perish long before our time on this earth expires.

I have tried to stop myself from defining love and loving others in the ways of convention... in the ways that do not stem from my true thoughts and feelings. I genuinely believe that this is a form of spiritual growth and not the evolution of my own illusions. And if it is... I am okay with the fact that this mirage has given me something to work towards.

And although my heart has managed to piece itself together just in time to be broken time and time again, it bears no scars... it has no regrets and shares nothing but an open wound that bleeds a love eternal.

Simply put... there is no love like my own.

And only those who have dared to love me know of its hurt, its subtle insecurities, and its lack of comfort... only those who have dared to love me have learned of its depth and sincerity long after moving on.

There is no love like the one that dwells within your heart.

Because you... you are the sole survivor, the sole recipient of this gift who will one day learn to appreciate its value while still owning it.
Knowledge is a weapon and you are armed to the teeth...you are prepared to deal with everything that you will encounter along this journey if you remain honest with yourself and true to those who deserve your love.

Your heart bleeds too.

Follow the flow of this crimson river and trust not in the foot prints that litter the shore. The path of the past is not of your doing and only leads to the places that man has already stripped of their natural beauty and uniqueness... thus the waves never ending fight to reclaim them. March to the beat of your heart and embrace the rhythmic beauty that can only be found within the love, fear, sorrow, and anguish that you will experience along the way... for this is your story and it leads nowhere but to your self and to all that you love.

I know you, and I am not afraid.
I know myself, and I have come to terms with this fear.

The forces that drive an individual to become who or what they have decided to become in this lifetime have proven themselves to be much less obvious than I had once imagined them to be. For years I believed that income, control, and an inherent fear of 'god' were the primary factors behind the majority of the decisions that we make in the western world on a daily basis.

However, my recent unemployment and subsequent job search has profoundly impacted and vastly expanded my thoughts on what it is that really drives us.

The truth is, I have no idea...

The second I think I have narrowed it down to its core, the true essence of human nature has managed to elude me. The simplest behaviours are the often the end result of a complex series of events, and in turn, the most complex scenarios are often conceived through acts of sheer simplicity. It is astonishing...

The only thing I am sure of is that the things that motivate me to keep moving forward and the underlying sense of responsibility that I feel in my heart are not the same things that motivate or inspire those around me. But... having said that, I have never met a man nor woman who did not dream of greatness.

Although being able to 'live the dream' for a few years opened my eyes to and unveiled a number of the universes fundamental truths.... it also contributed to a slight 'loss of sight' on my behalf as well. I developed a tendency to get lost in the 'bigger picture' of things and continuously found myself looking past the smaller issues that existed on the surface... the very same issues that now appear to be completely unavoidable.

I am working on it...

Despite the fact that I was able to make ends meet as a professional fighter (with the aid of friends, family, sponsors, guest seminars, special appearances, and all the change that I found beneath the cushions of all the couches I crashed on), money never motivated me to pursue a career in MMA. And, the cold hard truth is that I never came close to making the type of money that people usually associate with professional athletes (not that it ever mattered to me). But... my point is, as human beings, we tend to get lost in 'titles'... whether they are our own or not.

Being a 'professional fighter' never changed the way I felt about myself... but, without a doubt, being the owner of this 'title' has drastically impacted other peoples opinion of me. It gave everything I did a certain level of credibility and presented me with an opportunity to speak my mind without as much speculation or ridicule as there would be if I was not in the position I was.

I am extremely grateful to have had the opportunities I have and look forward to expanding my personal experiences and exploring the 'normal' yet different opportunities that lay ahead of me.    

Last week I was offered a job in tech-support for major call center and recently applied to be a personal trainer/wrestling-mma coach at a gym in town... I can't help but feel that everything is going to work out just fine.