I want to be there, I want to be in the thick of it, I want to contribute, on any level, to a better world. But... my mind races, and too often I keep myself occupied with less than productive activities.

Being injured and without work has allowed me to settle into a routine that has kept me busy, yet has not allowed me to accomplish anything that is even worth mentioning. My day revolves around the countless hours I spend analyzing the many different scenarios I may encounter on a day to day basis and how I will be able deal with them or not... or...more truthfully, my day revolves around the countless hours I spend creating the potentially stressful scenarios I may encounter in my mind and letting them wear away at me while the rest of the world sleeps.

It is obvious that I have too much time on my hands and too many thoughts on my mind... a reality that has made finding a job so much more important than just numbers in a bank account. I need something positive to focus my energy on.

But... I am learning to find relief in the small things. I am trying not to to burden my mind with what I cannot accomplish at this moment in time and working towards embracing the number of things that I am capable of doing, and doing them as best I can.

I have wasted too many days thinking about when I will get surgery, how long it will take me to recover, and when I will be able to make my come back to MMA...I know I will make it there, it is only a matter of time. It is time to enjoy today.

And although I may not be able to make the world a better place today, I can do my best to make today better for someone else... I will make today better for someone else.... I just need to re-focus on what is truly important.

So, I am going to stop posting blogs for a couple weeks and get everything centered... after that I am going to get a job and lessen the weight I have placed on myself those around me.

I am incredibly excited for what awaits me.

Photo by Clark Little, please check out his website at http://www.clarklittlephotography.com/

Also.. if you get a minute, check out and http://symphonyofscience.com/

After a few weeks of coasting along followed by a few months of scraping by I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to become a functioning member of society...

I am going to get a job.

Although I am fortunate enough to have attended and graduated from a post-secondary institution, I lack most of the required in-field experience necessary for me to be considered a potential employee for many of the serious career opportunities I applied for...

I am okay with that.

I applied to be a security guard (mall-cop), costumer support agent at a calling center, receptionist at an addictions clinic, case-worker for Ontario Works (welfare), barista at a coffee-shop in town, and a slew of other minimum wage jobs.

I am not embarrassed.

As a student I fell in love with the 'people' aspect of a system that tended to fixate on the 'statistics'. I gave up on securing a well paying job to chase my dream of becoming a professional fighter, and for a second... I lived it.

I regret nothing.

I will flip burgers, pick up trash, answer phones, 'patrol' parking lots, help people get back on their feet, and anything and everything else I am physically capable of doing to fund the adventures that await me.

I am on my way.

Unlike our American neighbors who celebrate 'thanksgiving' in late November, we Canadians decided that getting incredibly drunk and stuffing our faces was a holiday much better suited for mid October.

Now... I am not exactly sure why there are separate dates for the same holiday, but a part of me would like to believe that it has something to do with the stomach-stretching process that allowed us Canadians to fully partake in our post trick-or-treat marathon junk food sessions as children.

Just a thought America...

Anyway, I couldn't be happier with how my appointments in Toronto went this week. It was really refreshing for me to finally speak with someone who is highly respected and widely regarded as an 'expert' in their field. It was also really uplifting for me to have this person acknowledge the seriousness of my injuries and get the ball rolling in terms of treatment.

In the next few weeks I will be going back to Hamilton Ontario to have a discogram done (http://www.allaboutbackpain.com/html/spine_diagnostics/spine_diagnostics_discogram.html). Although discograms are rumored to be incredibly painful, this procedure is necessary. In combination with my MRI and X-Rays, the discogram will help my surgeon identify the specific areas in my spine that need repair and narrow down my options for surgery. Although the details of this procedure aren't very appealing, it makes me incredibly happy to know that I am a step closer to the surgery I need to get my life back on track.

So... among my great friends, family, fans, supporters, and everyone else who has helped guide me through and stood by me along this journey, this thanksgiving I am also thankful for the needles that will grace my spine in the weeks to come.

I will post some pictures after the weekend, hope you are all doing well!

Over the past twenty-five years I have become quite accustomed to and thoroughly enjoy the unique changes that accompany each of Canada's seasonal shifts. I love watching the green leaves fade to brown and melt into fiery golden embers before they fall to the earth. I love watching the morning dew and frost quell these embers before they are completely extinguished by the grip of old winters hands. And even though its flowing breeze has had nothing to do with the chills that have been running up and down my spine, I still love the cool October air.

For years I have watched as one season slowly transformed into the next, knowing that this gradual demise was a necessary sacrifice on behalf of the present in oder to give birth to the future... a future that would in turn revisit its past to ensure the survival of this cycle. And although the changing of seasons could easily be interpreted as a representation of the time that I have been absent from mixed martial arts, it means so much more than that to me.

The changing of one season to the next is visible on so many different levels. Sometimes the leaves change color, sometimes the temperature gradually rises or drastically drops... certain species go into hibernation and others emerge from their slumber. Some people bravely come out of their shells while others are reluctantly forced to seek shelter. A single season can breathe inspiration into some and strangle the freedom from others.

However... I see nothing but beauty and revival when I look around, and it is everywhere.

In the next few days I am going to meet with two of the most respected surgeons in the Greater Toronto Area. Needless to say, I am more than a little excited and nervous for these appointments... the thought of what may occur in these meetings and how I will be greeted by these men has weighed heavy on my mind ever since my last unsuccessful appointment in Kingston. Due to the fact that my 'official MRI findings' were actually the speculations of a resident doctor and dismissed by the last surgeon I met with, I went to Toronto and picked up a hard copy of my MRI and X-Ray files. Fortunately the wait wasn't very long and the staff at the hospital were extremely helpful.

The events that unfold this week could quite possibly determine the course of my life throughout the next few years, I vow to enter the future with confidence... a confidence that has grown from an ember to an inferno in spite of the conditions around it... an inferno that no possible amount of dew nor frost could possibly conquer.