It seems as though I have been telling myself ‘just one more month man, just one more week, and just one more day’ for almost a year now… just one more month until my next appointment, just one more week until my next refill, and just one more day until my next treatment… just one more day until I am on my way back to being healthy.

Well... I am getting tired of living from appointment to appointment. And realistically, I can’t keep this up for much longer.

Being injured and unable to live even the simplest existence has made remaining positive a little difficult. I have been patient, positive, and optimistic about a number of less than effective treatment plans…. I have also been impatient, negative, and skeptical about almost everything at times as well. Although I am incredibly happy with my progress and thrilled with the timely treatment plans put in place by my physiotherapist and those who work for the Kingston Orthopedic and Pain Institute… I am struggling to keep everything together.

I would be lying if I said that I lived in fear of not knowing when or where my back is going to seize or if I wrote about how I waste hours of my day worrying about if I will be able to make it through the day at work or not… But, every now and then that description is my life… and it is stressful.

I have planned a come-back, a life without MMA, and everything in between. Right now I am unsure of what I want. I would love to fight again; I would love to be able to feel those lights one more time. But… first and foremost, I need to be able to function without medication, I need to be able to work, and I need to feel healthy enough to be able to sign a lease without worrying about finances or subjecting my roommate to this rollercoaster ride.

I bailed from work yesterday because of a serious muscle spasm in my back… aside from that, things have been going relatively well for me physically. Thursday I am going back to KOPI to get some nerve block injections… hopefully this procedure will bring me a step closer to being healthy.

Just four more days until my next…

It is slowly becoming harder and harder for me to walk through the front doors at work and not feel like a ‘has-been’.

And even though every day that I walk through those doors varies in terms of class structure, clientele, and potential workouts… I find myself talking about the same things over and over again… I find myself telling the same stories about how I used to travel, how I used to train, and about how I used to fight professionally.

Having said that… I am trying to stay away from medicating myself and freeing my heart and soul from the numbness that I have inflicted upon them…. I am trying my best to stay on track and concentrating on the gains that I have experienced in my personal and physical life as of late.  

I started working with a physiotherapist a few weeks ago and have noticed an incredible change in both my physical and mental state. I am able to move my legs and lower back in ways that I couldn’t have imagined three months ago… I am able to train lightly, teach class, and live a reasonably normal life. And even though every now and then I experience a lapse in my physical condition and mental judgment… over all, I am in a better place.

Tomorrow morning before I have to punch in at work I am going to go meet with a specialist at the Pain Management and Solution Center in Kingston. My physiotherapist and I are confident that I will be able to return to professional competition by continuing treatment and getting a few cortisone injections.

I am ready to be healthy again.

Even though things have been going relatively well for me as of late, every now and then I veer off course and find myself in a situation that reminds me of how truly important it is for me to stay balanced, focused, and healthy.

Although having the ability to recognize warning signs and being equipped with the tools to remain motivated has made staying on track a lot easier than it once was… it would be unrealistic of me to believe that this rusted tool box and the odd glimpse of a distress-flag here and there would render me capable of navigating the remainder of this lifetime without tip-toeing atop a landmine…

But… my goal has never been to extinguish these unexpected setbacks from my life, yet to keep them exactly that, unexpected.

Walk on.

After a few weeks of job-hunting and the impending doom of working at a call center, I am fortunate enough to have landed a position I actually enjoy.

For roughly the past two weeks I have been working as the ‘Head Boxing and Muay Thai Instructor’ at Premier Fitness (a title much more sophisticated than what it entails.) For roughly eight hours a day, six days a week, I offer the fundamentals of Boxing and Muay Thai in a variety of different fashions. I run group demonstrations, fitness classes, and one-on-one private sessions… and as far as my existence at work is concerned, I couldn’t be more comfortable.

Being able to watch people grow and develop is an incredibly rewarding experience… being able to witness the outward projection of ones inner self and the evolution of a healthier, more determined, embodiment of this being transcends any amount of financial compensation. 
                                                                                                                                                                                 

And although having an income may open a lot of doors for me in terms of my social life, it is safe to say that the numbers in my bank account wont be lost on fancy new outfits or a cell phone that doesn’t resemble a brick in my pocket…. I am fully aware of what I need, what I don’t, and what I want to save for. And although I am a notoriously stingy person (buying shoes is a big deal for me), you won’t catch me saving up for a ‘staycation’ any time soon. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Every dollar that isn’t being put towards groceries, rent, or the remainder of my student debt will be put towards my next excursion. I made a promise to balance responsibility and wanderlust and I intend to keep it. 

There is no doubt in my mind that being employed has given me a new sense of self-worth and direction. However, it has also made it increasingly difficult for me to maintain a number of the great friendships that I was able to foster while living as a jobless ‘internet junkie’.

 

Don’t worry… I will get on it.

Some time this summer I will be heading back to LA to hang out with friends, catch some waves, and create even more memories that will last me a lifetime. But for now… I will work, I will save, and I will try my best to stay on track.

PS Here are a few pictures of my ‘studio’. The walls are a little bare right now but thanks to Hayabusa and my Long time sponsor Pitchfork Hardwear I am hoping to bring a little life to the place.

Ever since I have been old enough to understand the notion of action and reaction, I have been bold enough to stand in the ocean that crashes between creation and consequence. And although I have always had a general idea of the types of things that I wanted to take from and give back to the world… the majority of my life (post-education) has been lived on a day-to-day basis.

Part of the reason I enjoy traveling so much is based on this day-to-day philosophy. There is nothing better than the freedom of landing somewhere new and knowing that everything and everyone you encounter is meeting and appreciating you for who and what you are to them in that exact moment of time and nothing more. And at that moment, whether they realize it or not, everyone is operating on the same page and functioning on the same level… on a second-by-second, minute-by-minute, day-to-day level.

There is nothing like it…

This outlook has gotten me laughs, loves, lost, and on more than one occasion it has landed me in the middle of some completely crowded and far too many not-so-crowded night club dance-floors.

What a trip…

Anyway, the reason I am writing this blog is because after a long conversation with a friend, I realized that being injured and unable to function as I once did may have caused me to lose sight of who and what it is that really matters to me. I realized that I have drifted away from this mindset in some aspects of my life and left it in complete control of others. As a result, I have not been able to think as clearly as I should and my focus has been lost on activities that lack the depth to equate to short and or long-term happiness.

I now aim to incorporate wanderlust and productivity while enjoying adventure and solidifying the base of my future life. I was recently hired at a call-center in town and am being interviewed for a very promising security position next week. I am also meeting with the course co-coordinator of a Social Services program that is offered at a local college.

Fighting is in my future, but... I will not put the rest of my life on hold while I wait for surgery.