As I cloaked a brand new blue gi over my shoulders and wrapped that white cotton belt around my waist, I knew that something was different. The smell of hard work was damp on the walls and the smacking of fists and shins against thai pads echoed throughout the change-room.
I took a minute to soak it all in…
I wet my face in the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. I knotted my belt, took a deep breathe, and stepped onto the mat for the first time in a very long time. And this time around, I stepped onto the mat as a student and as a beginner.
Although I have competed as a professional mixed martial artist in the past, I felt that it was extremely important for me to start this portion of my journey as a beginner. Having said that, I have made a conscious decision to focus solely on Brazilian jiu jitsu for now. And, more specifically, I have chosen to practice this art in a gi, which is something that I have never really concentrated on before.
A few weeks ago I started training at OAMA, a black-belt run Renzo Gracie affiliate academy in Ottawa, Ontario. After showing my dedication to the craft, I was awarded my first stipe. Last week my friend and purple-belt instructor, Nick Castigilia, presented it to me at the end of class.
Although this is a relatively minor accomplishment in the world of BJJ, the stripe on my belt represents so much more than a piece of tape on a piece of cloth to me. It represents a step in a new direction and my evolution as a person and as a student of life.
We learn as we go. And, although we may revisit a path that we have walked in the past, every step is a new and unique one. The same sun rises in the east and sets in the west every single day, and, even though the sun will continue to do so until its beautiful glow explodes into a fiery ocean across the endless night of space, every single sunrise and sunset represents a brand new start. Every single sunrise and sunset represents a brand new beginning and a brand new end. We all change, it is our nature. And, these winds of change are necessary for us to exist in an environment of experience and education. These winds of change are the subtle hands that push us forward along our individual paths and as a collective. There is always something to learn, some way to grow, some place to go, and so many different experiences to be had.
When I put that gi over my shoulders, a weight was lifted off them. I am back where I started and I am starting again, but, this journey is nothing like my last.
I threw myself into the water waiting for the tide to take me away… I threw myself into the water waiting for the tide to take me home… I shattered myself against the rocks I splintered my soul against the docks I threw myself into the water.
The current traps the current and makes it past. The past wraps the present and guides the mast The mast fills the future and the future fills us all The ship sets course with no remorse I threw myself into the water.
Although I have written about the person Evan was and how much he meant to me countless times, there are a few things I have yet to touch on. Primarily, the influence Evan had on his friends (or anyone that he came in contact with for that matter) and the lasting impression his passion and personality has had on their lives (and how this impact has helped keep Evan's memory and philosophy an ever lasting and growing influence to an extraordinary amount of people).
One morning Evan and I stopped to get a coffee before doing an outdoor workout at a local soccer field. Although I had worked at a coffee shop throughout high school and university I had never really drank coffee (especially mochas) before that day. After copying Evan's order I wasted no time drinking it… In an attempt to control an extreme case of the jitters I found myself reading what I thought was a list of ingredients on the cup… to my surprise, it was a short story.
The story was about a customer who had paid for their coffee along with the order of the person behind them. When the following customer had pulled up to the cash in the drive thru they decided to pay for the person behind them as well… this went on for 17 orders. The last words of the story were 'Pay it forward'.
Evan, after having noticed my fixation with the cup asked me what I was doing. I gave him the gist of the story and he humphed and said 'cool'. We didn't discuss or have a conversation about it, but, looking back on my time with Evan and his impact on my life, I can't help but realize that he was the stranger who paid for my coffee (in a literal sense at the time and a metaphorical sense now)
Most of the people who were close with Evan have become an extended family of mine. These people are personal trainers, teachers, veterans, film makers, etc… in short, these people have put themselves in a position that allows them to make the lives of the people that they come in contact with better. They have taken the power of one and made it a reality. Essentially, they have all done their part to 'pay it forward'.
Having said that, I don't feel like I have really done my friend justice. In order to take the gift that Evan gave me (and continues to give) I have decided to return to school to become a Social Service Worker. And, although I am sure that I will cross paths with many great minds and teachers alike, I know I will never meet anyone like Evan. I love and miss my friend more than words can describe.
Evan's message lives on in us all. It is up to us to believe in the power of one and pay it forward. We can change the world.
I have headed east along the 401 countless times. I have ventured down the 416 and waited in traffic along Ottawa's main vein, the 417, more times than I care to remember…
The trip to Ottawa is a familiar one.
I graduated from Carleton University five years ago, certain that my sentence had been served. I left the city four years ago, certain that I would never return.
I was wrong.
My path is an evolving road that has been shaped by my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. A path that has traveled through time and pushed through periods of great strength and weakness alike. A path aware of its past but unsure of its future, a path motivated by an inner drive despite the weight of outside forces. A path that has ascended to great heights and fallen great lengths with the dedication of a kamikaze warrior. A path that has had no discernible sense of flow or direction but that remains the only true avenue to and from my self.
And although I have never really questioned who I am as a person, I have often struggled with what it is that I am going to do with that person on a professional level. I went to school and became disillusioned, I competed professionally and lost it all. I have no regrets. My path was guided by my path and I was filled with the warmth that one feels knowing that the possibilities that we are granted in this lifetime are endless. However, I failed to acknowledge the fact that I was closing doors on future opportunities by not making a decision in terms of my professional development and direction, not keeping them open.
In August, I will be moving back to Ottawa. In September, I will be going back to school. In August, I will be forced to greet the eyes of my shadows past and sweep the ashes of bridges burnt aside. In September, I will build anew.
The salt on my skin and the smile on my face serve only as a small reminder of the time that I have spent and the memories that I have made in California over the past few days.
As I sit and wait for my connecting flight from Cincinnati to Toronto, my mind wanders back to the warm air, bronzed bodies, and breakfast burritos of Long Beach. The cold waves, cold beer, and cool people of Carlsbad. And last but not least, I can't help but think of the coffee shops, the Sugar Shack, and the countless surf shops in Huntington Beach.
All in all, California is a trip…
Last week I came to LA for the premier of 'Once I was A Champion', a film that chronicles the life of the greatest friend that I have ever known, Evan Tanner. I was greeted at LAX by Gerard (Director), Sophia (Colour Correction and Gerard's fiance), and Wade (Evan's best friend from Amarillo). That night we sipped on 100 proof Scotch and shared some stories about our lives and our relationship with Evan.
The following morning Gerard and I ran 100 flights of stairs and successfully completed 100 burpees (10 flights of stairs followed by 10 burpees). That afternoon we all set off to pick up Johnny (One of Evan's closest friends since they attended Caprock high together) before heading to the premier in LA later on that evening.
There are no words to describe the feeling I had as we entered the theatre together. I was anxious for Gerard, Lance, and Kirk (as well as everyone else who was involved with the film), nervous for myself, Johnny, and Wade, and generally excited for all of us at the same time.
'Once I Was A Champion' is an unbelievable film. Without getting into too much detail or potentially 'spoiling' anything, all I will say is that I am honoured to have known Evan the way I did and to have been able to participate in such a beautiful work of art… It was a perfect night. I was able to reunite with Renzo from Hardknocks Muay Thai (the gym Evan and I trained in LV) and meet with a lot of people whom I know were close with Evan.
Jorge, Johnny, Me, Wade, Dan at the Screening.
Jorge and I at Screening.
The film will have its official World Premier in June and is nominated for 'best documentary' at the Los Angeles Film Festival (June 16-26 2011). Please, if at all possible, find the the time and make the effort to go and support this film!
The last few days of my stay were packed with a number of interesting experiences. We visited muscle beach (where we all experienced defeat at the hands of the very public gymnastic rings). We walked the boardwalk in Venice and watched as Johnny aka 'muscles' was harassed by a ridiculous amount of street vendors and hustlers alike. I also got to hike a rattle snake infested mountain and visit Evan's apartment in Oceanside. I was granted the opportunity to try and catch some waves and rewarded for my efforts with a drink or two from a few of the 'local's' watering holes in Carlsbad.
The rings... it isn't fair.
Me, Johnny, and Lance.
Gerard, Wade, Me, and Johnny before Wades Departure.
California has it all.
A big shout out to everyone who made my stay in California an incredible experience. Thank you to Kirk for his hospitality, Gerard and Sophia for taking me in, letting me crash on their couch, and for treating me like a family member. Thank you to Lance for taking me to the waves and for giving me a taste of the local culture. Also, thank you to Johnny and Wade for being great friends and brothers alike.
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